Heard this song at church today. During the chorus close your eyes and picture yourself running right into Jesus arms and being in His embrace. It’s amazing to really visualize this. You can get a small grasp of how much you are loved for God!
Monthly Archives: July 2013
Still Afraid?
I have often wondered if the fear and insecurity that comes along with infertility will ever completely go away. Will I ever stop feeling like I don’t measure up? Like I’m not good enough? Will I ever stop worrying that this is to good to be true or something bad is about to happen? These fears don’t come up as often as they seemed to when I was right in the middle of my journey, but once in awhile they still creep back in. Most of the time now they don’t have anything to do with infertility but feelings of not measuring up and not being good enough still find their way back. Honestly there is a fear that they will never completely go away.
So what do we do with this? How do we handle it when they come up? I would like to say that every time I feel this insecurity or fear I turn right to prayer and God’s word. But to be completely honest with you (which is what I’ve always tried to do with this blog) I often handle these moments with very little maturity. I have been known to pout like my four year old. Maybe with less kicking and screaming on the floor but it does happen. I have become very angry. Most of the time I just shut down. I hide in my room (or a room where no one is) and try to stop thinking about it all. Either way I choose, my fears just get worse. It’s not until I fully surrender it to God that I find relief from the fear. Sometimes this is a long process and sometimes it happens very quickly. Never have I been able to do it on my own. I really don’t think we are suppose to do this on our own. God uses family, friends and mostly my husband to help me though these moments. Sometimes the one helping doesn’t even know they are helping.
It wasn’t long ago that I found myself sinking in the this place of fear and insecurity again. I’m not sure many people around me noticed. If it was notice I’m sure most people just shrugged it off as me having a bad day. Some probably just thought is was hormones after just having a baby or lack of sleep from getting up a couple of times each night. I know that my husband knew it was something more but just wasn’t sure how to help. The strangest thing happened to me a church as God began to break though this fear and insecurity, yet again. It was at the end of the service (which I had pouted most of my way though) that our worship team began to sing the closing song. I honestly can’t remember what song it was but I remember it bringing some HOPE as God used it to begin to break me. About one verse into the song I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked back assume that someone wanted to say something to me. Honestly part of me was a little frustrated by this because I really wanted to worship and connect with God to try to get though this discouraging time in my life. I was frustrated at least until I saw a women with her hand one my shoulder praying for me. I have no idea how she knew I needed that. Well yes lets be honest, we do know. She didn’t know what was going on but God had laid it on her heart to reach out and pray for me at the very moment I needed it. Tears began to flow down my face. The insecurities and fears began to melt away. If there is a God who loves me that much, to use someone who would have no idea how I was hurting and feeling, that’s the God I’m going to serve and have served through it all! How could I feel like less than what God created me for when He continually uses people all around me to show me how special I am, How loved I am, How perfect He made me. After the service was over this women hugged me and told me what I tell many of you all the time. IT’S GOING TO GET BETTER, (YOU ARE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS!) Precious words that we all need to be reminded of all the time.
God has made you perfect. You are not less than perfect. You might feel broken but He has made you whole. You might feel insecure, but find your security in Christ. You might feel like you are less than you want to be, but know that God’s plan has so much more to offer you. You might be afraid that you are about to be let down again, but trust in God’s plan. I heard the best quote on facebook and twitter the other day. Rick Warren a pastor at Saddleback Church in Orange County, California put it out there. It said “An attack from evil always proceeds a victory from God.”
John 10:10 (NIV)
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Sure these fears will still come. I can’t honestly say if they will ever complete go away. The devil will use whatever he can to discourage us and keep us from living out the plan that God has for our lives. When the fear comes its about staying strong and fighting back. Not letting it take us to a dark place that we have a hard time coming out of. It’s about finding that trusted friend that will help lead you to Jesus. It’s about trusting God will all of you heart…(Proverbs 3:5-6). I know these things are not easy to do. Many times I’m embarrassed about how I feel or how I have reacted to these fears and insecurities. The last thing I want to do is to share that with anyone. That alone just brings more fear that they will know what kind of person I really am. Your right a true trusted friend will know. They will know that you had the courage to fight back and find help. They will understand because they have probably been to this place before to. You’ll know its the right friend because they will always point you to Jesus. The only one who we can truly find security and HOPE in!
8 Things to Stop Saying to your Adoptive Friends
My husband found this article and I wanted to pass it along. Heard so many of these it kinda made me laugh as I was reading it!
http://iammrsfancypants.blogspot.com/2013/07/8-things-to-stop-saying-to-your.html?m=1
One More Favorite Thing for Today
This particular Baptism is actually from our last mission trip to Haiti. It was a great way to end the week there! Another one of my favorite things at our church is baptism. We baptize in different parts of the services but I have to say my favorite is when they do it during the worship songs. It’s amazing to sing praises along with this and watch how each person comes up out of the water smiling. They are made new and so happy about this. The other thing I love about our church baptisms is that they include the person’s family. Especially when it is a child. They often have the parents baptize them. Probably about 5 to 7 years ago I was sitting in the front row during a baptism service and I watched a dad baptize his daughter. I was in complete shock when I heard God whisper in my ear “One day that will be Dave with your daughter.” My whole body began to shake and tears began to flow from my eyes. I will never forget this promise. It came before we ever had any children. It came at a time I needed to hear it most. I always knew I would have at least one daughter because of this. Who knew that one day I would actually have 3 daughters! I love God’s promises and I’m so glad that he blessed me with one on that day to help me keep trusting in Him and His plan for my life!
P.S. On a side note God gave me many other promises in my journey. Most came from His Word, but one in particular came to me in a dream one night. It was such an incredible dream I really wanted to share it with you. I journaled it not long after my dream. Here is the journal entry from that day:
Chapter 7 – Only a Glimpse
09/09/06
Today I had a dream. After I woke up all I wanted to do was fall back asleep into the dream again. I had a very vivid dream that Dave and I had a baby. He was around three months old. I knew for sure it was our baby from my womb and it was a boy. I remember his face being round and full. He wasn’t chubby, but full. He had big brown eyes and his hair was full and it was light brown with some strawberry blonde. It reminded me of my brothers hair when he was younger. When I close my eyes and think of this baby I remember his face so vividly but it is so hard for me to explain it. What was so strange about the dream was that Dave and I were together wit the baby and we were just sitting there loving on this baby. (We were visiting my Grandma and Aunt at their Church.) Eventually during the dream the baby was gone. We knew he was gone but we weren’t worried. We knew he was safe. The dream continued and we went on and things were ok.
I felt this dream symbolized many things for me. First the short amount of time with our baby was like the short amount of time I was pregnant. The pregnancy was soon gone to a miscarriage but our baby is safe in Heaven. Second I wondered if God really gave me a glimpse of our baby in Heaven. I’ve often wished I could have just seen my baby for a second. It wasn’t fair he was taken away without me seeing him. I am really beginning to believe that through my dream God gave me a glimpse. I so much want to go back asleep to see him again but I am resting in the fact that I got a glimpse of him and he was truly happy and safe. I hope he got to see us too and felt the love we have for him even if it was only a glimpse.
The Crazy thing is that sometimes I see this same face of my glimpse in my youngest daughter Malia. Crazy how God works sometimes!
Favorite Thing!
Several years ago while I was right in the middle of our struggle with infertility, miscarriage, and adoption loss, I was given a $25 gift card to a Christian Book Store. I stopped in the store one day mostly just to prove that their were no resources there for women who are struggling with infertility. While I was correct, a book titled Before You Were Mine caught my attention. I picked up this book and instantly started shaking. I wasn’t sure what was going on but I knew that I had to spend my gift card on this book. My husband and I hadn’t really agreed on moving toward adoption yet. When I read that this book was all about creating a life journal for your adopted children so you could share with them as the grew up where they came from before they were with you, their forever family. Part of me wanted this book more than ever because I really wanted to adopt. But the other part said that we would never agree on adoption so this would be a wasted book in our household. God still nudged my heart that day and say GET THIS BOOK! So since it’s was sort of free (with the gift card) I decided to purchase it. I went home this book wondering how God would use it in my life. I had no idea that one day I would be the mom of two beautiful adoptive girls who would need to know about their birth mom and how much she loved them. How she made a plan for their lives because of this great, unselfish love she had for them. This book, along with our first mission trip to Haiti was how God began to plant the seeds of adoption in our hearts. Both are making their way on my favorite things list!
Things Parents Need to Stop Saying to Non Parents.
Great article I discovered below!
Serving Seasons
Every year our church takes a mission trip to Haiti and when they return everyone who went shares their experiences during the Sunday Morning service. Today was that Sunday. It’s one of my favorite Sunday’s to attend church. My husband and I started these mission trips several years ago. We went 3 years in a row. Haiti is one of my favorite places and it’s the first place that God began to plant adoption in our hearts. After the first 3 years our church got a little disconnected and stopped the mission trips. Then when the hurricane hit Haiti a few years back our church realized how important it is for us to continue our ministry in Haiti and began the mission trips their yearly again. We didn’t attend the first trip back but when they all returned to talk about their experience I knew I had missed out. The next year both my husband and I attended the trip again. While it was a great experience I have often thought that my heart was not as open that year as it should have been and even though I was their I still “missed” out on the trip. This year we decided it was not a good season in our life to go and didn’t attend the trip. As the members of this year’s mission trip talked this morning my heart burned for Haiti again and I really wished I had joined them again. The reality is that the season of life we are in right now makes it more difficult for us (at least both of us at the same time) to serve in this way. It doesn’t mean that we can’t serve locally, it just means that it’s hard to leave 3 small children behind with Nana to serve so far away. I know that one day we will return to missions in another country and probably even take our children with us. I have to admit it makes me a little sad that I have to wait awhile before I will be returning to a place like Haiti. This brought so many thoughts to my head. I wondered if while I was in a season of life that I may have been more able to go and serve did I do all that God wanted me to do? Or did I spend to much time feeling sorry for myself instead? I remember how good it makes you to feel to serve others. Sometimes it’s even good therapy. It helps us to get our minds off of ourselves and realize that no matter how bad things are for us right now we can always find someone who has it much worse. I think some of the best advice I can give someone who is hurting emotionally right now is to reach out and serve others. It doesn’t always have to be overseas, it can be right in your own community. Maybe your neighbor is a single mom who has a hard time finding time to take care of her yard work. Maybe there is a local or regional food bank or soup kitchen you can serve at. Maybe it’s serving in your local church. And just maybe it’s taking a mission trip to another country to see how the other half of the world lives and spend some time loving people there. Whatever you choose I promise you won’t regret it! Take the time to serve other’s while you have it. Everyone’s life goes though different seasons and you will come into season’s of life where you may not have the time or resources to help like you do now. Serve while you can, pray when you can’t, and know that you will serve again when you can! The truth is in every season of our life we can always find ways to serve even if they may seem like small ways to serve. Every time you serve no matter how big or small you may think it is, it is always BIG to the one you are serving.
Serving in one of the greatest places I know!
Hurricane
Natalie Grant is one of my favorite music artist. Her song Held goth though some oft darkest times. She is great at bringing us music that is healing. She’s been where we have walked and I’m sure most of it come right from her heart and experience. She’s done it again with her new song Hurricane. It definitely makes my favorite things list!
The Results of Waiting on God’s Perfect Timing
My 3 Miracles…The Results of Waiting on God’s Perfect Timing…NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!
Family Planning – Ha that’s not possible!
I think this Aisle at the store may have the wrong name. It really should be No Family Planning. Let’s face it most things in this aisle are meant to help you prevent from beginning your family. If it were that easy to plan our family I think all of us dealing with infertility would have already visited this aisle and be off the road of infertility. Since that’s not possible I decided to laugh at how ridiculous it really is. So I’ve been trying to think of some funny analogies for it but I’m at a loss. If you need a good laugh help me by filling in the blank: “Family Planning” is as ridiculous as _______________…
Waking Up Infertile 