If I Could Change 1 Thing…

You have often heard me say that I would NEVER change one thing about my journey to children because it lead us to God’s perfect family for us. That statement is 100% truth! I wouldn’t change anything about the actually journey, not even the difficult moments. The journey itself was perfect. We learned so much and grew so much to get where we are today. However there was something I would change about my attitude. I tend to be a person who wears my emotions. Most people can tll by just looking at me if I’m having a good day or a bad day. No matter how hard I try to hide my emotions they always seem to creep through. Many times I remember thinking that it must like walking on egg shells for other people to be around me when I was in one of my moods. Infertility was hard. Somedays it was just ugly. I felt ugly inside. That would carry over to my mood when I was around people. I’m sure people didn’t know what to say or how to act around me, especially the period of my life when EVERYONE seemed to be having children except me. Poor old me! So if asked if I could change anything I know I wouldn’t change anything about the journey but I would change everything about my attitude on the bad days!

During my quiet time with God today I read from John 1:10-13

“He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become chilren of God – chldren born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.”

One questions I journal about after reading this was how can this apply to my life?, how can I not be like the world but instead let the world know that I live for Jesus?

I put jotted down a few different things but one that stood out the most to me was:

BE KIND EVEN WHEN THINGS DON’T GO MY WAY!

Things were certainly not going the way that I hoped through most of my journey to children. I know I could have been more kind to everyone around me during that time.

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They Didn’t Pick Me :(

I recently went to a job interview for a job I really thought I could be great at. I left the interview feeling really good. I thought it went well. While I knew they had other canidates to interview I felt like my chances were pretty good. I was told that they had others to interview and would get back with me in a couple of days. Since it was a holiday weekend I really didn’t expect to hear anything until the next week. Saturday night the email came. The email stated that they decided to go with someone else who had several years of experience in that job field. I was disappointed. A few month back I quit a job that I loved so much because it was the right move for my family. While I do not regret that decision, I have been struggling to find my purpose since then. I wanted so bad for this job to be apart of that purpose. My daugther prayed everday that I would get this job. At meal time, she always added “and God please let my mommy get the job.” After I found out that I didn’t get the job, my response to her was that sometimes God ansswers are prayers by not answering them. I said that to her, but did I really believe it. I really wanted that job and I was sure it would help me to move forward from leaving my last job.

All this reminded me of a time not so long ago in my life when I begged God to make me a mommy. So many opportunities came up and none of them worked out. They were not our opportunities. We had months of negative pregnancy tests, 5 miscarriages and 3 adoptions loses, over 5 years in our journey of infetility, miscarriage, and adoption loss, before God showed us “our” opportunity. If I learned anything in my journey I learned that God’s plan is always perfect. God really does want what is best for us. He does work ALL things for good for those of us who love him and are called according to his purpose.

The first time I really heard this Bible verse I was a teenager sitting in church when one of the members stepped forward to share what this verse meant to him. He emphasized, “All Things”. Sharing that “All Things” didn’t just mean good things, but it also meant the bad things we go through in life. Even the bad things can lead us to God’s purpose for our lives. Who knew that so many years after that I would need this verse. My journey to children was not easy. It was heartbreaking. It was stressful. It was challenging. Somedays I wanted to give up. But that journey, that “Bad Thing”, was what lead me to the children that God hand picked just for me and my husband to parent. That journey I would never change.

And this next journey I don’t want to change either. I didn’t get the job because it wasn’t God’s purpose for my life. I do believe that God has a job out there for me. For now he says just sit and wait. Just enjoy the extra time with your kids, finish college, and I will take care of the rest. I told my daughter just the other day that God loves her even more than I do and he will take care of her. God loves me just like that, and He will take care of me too. So for now I sit back and wait knowing that: “All things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

The Story of My Journey from Me to Mommy

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pxoJGeFTIRxI0128ZxfJqxF_oaECV-Px/view?usp=sharing

I recently decided to go back to college to get a Bachlors Degree. Above is a link to a video I had to make for one of my classes that I am currently taking. It is a short story of our journey to children.

Called to Adopt

I recently signed up for some college courses. My first assignment for an English class was to write a personal narrative that was about something that impacted my life when I was young and how that has been carried out in my adult life. So of couse I choose our story of adoption. Click the link below to see the paper. You can also read our complete story on this blog by clicking the Our Journey tab.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/sl7i1x2i9eu72tn/Personal%20Narrative%20.pdf?dl=0

I See You and I Get It…I Totally Get It!

I see you and I get it. I totally get it!

I see you sitting in the salon chair, getting your hair cut and styled. Trying to make at least one part of your life feel better. Trying to have control and keep it together. I see you young, married, and ready to get your life started. I see past your words and to your pain. Being asked question after questions of your story. The stylist saying, she understands and comparing her experience to yours. But has she really had any experience with this at all, you wonder? I wondered for you!

I sit hear 20 years older, 15 year past my days of waiting and I hear your fears, your sadness. When no one else in the room does, I do. I see you trying to keep it together. Trying to act like you are ok and having this conversation acting as if it’s no big deal. I know it’s a big deal. I know just how big a deal it really is. I remember…

I saw me in you. My moments happened at the hair salon, doctor offices, grocery story, church, work, and so many more places. Sometimes it seems like the “curse” follows you everywhere. You can’t shake it. Everyone wants to know how it’s going and wants so bad to relate to you they often say things comparing their situation to yours but it no way compares to the pain you feel. The lose of hope can be so great at times. Has God left you childless forever? Will you ever hold a newborn that is yours? Will you ever hear the word “mommy” and its directed to you?

I am sitting hear watching and remembering that pain, that hopelessness, that fear. Just wanted it all to stop around you. So, I can look you in the eyes and say I really do get it. I get your pain. I see it. I feel it. I really do understand. I really do just want to listen while you share your story. I don’t want to compare mine to yours. I just want you to know your pain, your loss, your hopelessness is not unnoticed. You don’t have to pretend you are ok. You are not ok and that is really ok. You don’t have to be ok.

What do I want you to know? I want you to know that God sees you too. God sees your pain. He was their before you pain. He will be there during your pain. And he will still be there after your pain. God loves you. He created you perfect. You are not less of a person because you are not a mother, yet. You are perfect and good. God made you and he looked at you and said, “it is good!” You are good! God knows your fears. He really does just want to sit with you and listen. Pour your heart out to him. Tell him, yell, cry, write, do whatever it takes. Just don’t bottle it all up and forget that there is a God who loves you. A God who cries with you when you are hurting. A God who comforts you, who calms your fears. And somehow will give you a peace that passes all understanding. God will take you from where you are to a place that is far more than you ever asked or image! It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be afraid. But don’t ever stop trusting in the God of miracles. Don’t ever lose HOPE that God will bring your through this and you will be better for it!

Waiting Again

Your doctors office is closed. The world seems to be stopping around us. Everyone is staying at home. You know it’s smart to listen and follow the advice of social distancing. But all you can think of is how this whole situation is just one more thing to make you wait. Another month wasted. You just want to get the treatment and hope to find out you are pregnant this time. But you wonder if this would even be a good time to be pregnant. You feel so guilty for just wanting to keep moving forward when there are others out there just hoping their loved one will survive this virus. You keep finding yourself longing for this wait to just be over!

During my years walking through the waiting game of fertility treatments I often felt as though I was being selfish. Trust me when I say you are not selfish. You are human. You are a woman longing to me called mommy. It’s not that you don’t care about the current circumstance of our country or even the world. You have waited so long already and it just hurts to keep waiting.

What do we do while we are waiting (and hurting). I wish I had some great answers you haven’t already heard. I even wish I could tell you this is exactly what I did. Th truth is some days I just cried and some days you just need to cry. But, when you are ready to try to move forward in your pain here are three things you can try:

1. Pick up a pen and paper or a laptop and write. Write it all out. Pour your heart into that paper. Cry out to God as you type the words. Every feeling no matter how bad, selfish, or painful it is write it down. Don’t hold anything in! Write a prayer to God. Type out your feelings. Write about where you are at in your treatment. Write about your set backs. Write whatever it takes for you to keep moving forward.

2. Find a quiet place for 30 minutes. Make a worship Spotify list and and just close your eyes and forget about the rest of the world and listen. Let the songs pour into your soul. Let God speak to you. Cry, cry, and cry some more. Sing your heart out. Pray while you sing and listen. Music is so healing. God’s word speaks truth through music. Listen to that truth and know that God’s got this. He knew your pain before you knew this situations. He has gone before you and He loves you more than anyone else in this whole world. He cries with you. So listen and cry from the deepest part within you. Let God have your pain and use the healing power of music to allow him to do this. I can’t think of a better way to worship God.

3. Share your story. Find a trusted girl friend to share your pain with. Someone who will love you now matter what and will also speak truth to you. Don’t shut down from your husband. Talk with him. Share your hurts and pains together. Listen to his pain. Share your pain. But never stop communicating. Never stop sharing your story. First and foremost the more you share it the more healing you will find. And just maybe God is walking you through this journey to come out on the other side one day to help others who have a similar story. So never stop learning in your journey. God will use what you have learned to help guide others through their journey one day. Think about it. It’s probably someone who is a teenager now and has no idea the pain in their journey ahead. God will use you!

Never give up HOPE! God is with you He will never leave you to walk alone in this. He will carry you though. There is a purpose in your pain. Just maybe he has something to teach you while you are waiting. I promise when you get to the other side it will all make sense. I know it doesn’t make sense now. It’s not suppose to yet. But one day you will be me riding in a car on a road trip listening to worship music with your three girls in the back seat and God brings to your mind women who need to know that God has not forsaken them. And He tells you to write. Tell them that they can survive this waiting. Tell them to trust God and never give up HOPE. They will one day hear the words it seems like they have waited forever for, “Mommy”. Your time is coming. You just have to travel your journey first.

What’s More Important?

A couple of weeks ago a friend from church passed away.  Many people rallied around her and her family at her first diagnosis of Leukemia.  I prayed so hard that she would be healed.  As the end drew near I prayed and begged God to heal her on this side of Heaven.  And while she did get her healing it was not how we all had hoped.  She left this life for a greater one.  Her family is left here without her.  I think many of us are grieving with them and wondering what we can do now.  This story is like so many others I have prayed for.  Sometimes it seems like we pray so hard and it seems that the prayer doesn’t get answered how we hope.  While my faith in Jesus never wavered I do find myself thinking what is the point of praying so hard?  As their Children’s Pastor how do I tell my friend’s children that God still loves them and God is still Good when their mommy has died?

Well once again God showed me something very important!  In my quiet time one morning I was continuing to read my prayer devotional called Pray Over Your Children and The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  These two books have never lined up but today they did.  Both books shared the same quote from Rick Warren.  “God is much more concerned about your character than your career, because you will take your character into eternity, but not your career.”

The Purpose Driven Life went on to say “God’s ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort, but character development.  He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Him (Christ.)”  “Every time you forget that Character is one of God’s purposes for your life you will become frustrated by your circumstances.”  Life is suppose to be difficult it enables you to grow.”

TRUTH:

1. Love God more each day.
2. Know God better each day.
3. Be more like Jesus each day.

God will help us do these three truths even through a “bad” circumstance.

Those “bad” circumstances build our character which is God’s #1 priority for us.  So just because the prayer doesn’t get answered the way we asked doesn’t mean God’s not working or God doesn’t care about us.  In fact, it really means that God loves us so much He will use every circumstance to build our character to help us become more like Jesus, to get us ready for Heaven.

So when the prayer is not answered keep looking to God and know that He is building your character and helping you to become all that He has created you to be!

Romans 5: 1-5

“We have been made right with God because of our faith. Now we have peace with him because of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through faith in Jesus we have received God’s grace. In that grace we stand. We are full of joy because we expect to share in God’s glory.   And that’s not all. We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on.   The strength to go on produces character. Character produces hope.   And hope will never bring us shame. That’s because God’s love has been poured into our hearts. This happened through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Wide Open

Inspired by Wide Open – North Point Worship

Ephesians 3:17-19 – 

^{17 “}so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

Not long ago at a seminar I was taught a worship exercise to be still with God.  You can do this in many ways.  One way is to look at a picture and see what God is trying to tell you in this picture.  Another way is to listen to someone describe a place to go and be with God. Or you can simply close your eyes and go somewhere.  Let God direct where he takes you and just be still with Him.  Listen to what He wants to say to you.  Today as I was listing to one of my favorite songs by North Point Worship, Wide Open, I closed my eyes and I let God take me somewhere.  This is where I went…

I was climbing up a large staircase that seemed to lead to now where.  At times I felt all alone.  But something in me kept driving me up those stairs.  It was as if at the top of those stairs could be more hope than I have ever imagined.  Even though I felt afraid, ashamed, and unworthy I had to keep going and get to the top of those stairs.  As I finally neared the top I saw a door that was just slightly cracked open.  Anxiety filled me.  I was afraid.  I was not sure what I would find on the other side of that door.  But I was determined to get to the other side of it.

When I made my way to the top I slowly opened the door and stepped through and what I saw was the most amazing sight I have every seen.  I entered into a beautiful field covered in flowers with clear blue skies like I have never seen before.  It was a perfect day on the other side of that door.  I looked straight ahead and there He was, standing there starring at me with the most gentle smile and His arms were wipe open for me.  I felt peace that I couldn’t not explain or understand.  I felt love that reached to the depths of my soul.  I felt complete.  I was not afraid or lonely.  I felt accepted and excited.

I took one step towards Him and found myself running to Him and right into His arms I fell.  I got the best hug I have ever received.  I got Jesus.  I was a child who ran right into her daddy’s arms.  There was nothing to fear.  It was Jesus all along.  On the other side of all my fears was Jesus.  On the other side of everything that was so hard was Jesus.  One the other side of my heartache was Jesus.  On the other side of my sin was Jesus.  He has always been there waiting.  When I get to the other side of this life Jesus will be there with His arms wide open and I will run into His embrace!

 

Close Your Eyes – Go Somewhere

For the past year I have been taking a course in Family Ministry.  Each month we have one class.  The class usually requires us to read a book, watch some class videos, spend a day on Facebook with our other classmates, and attend one live internet class, along with a 1-2 page paper to finish up the class.  This month is my last class.  I have learned so much this year to help me personally and with my job as a Children’s Director at our church.  During one of my favorite classes a few month ago we were shown a worship technique.  The class was taught by Megan Harshman and she referred to the technique as “Close Your Eyes and Go Somewhere”.  Not long after the class I also attended a three day seminar in Colorado called The Gathering, with many of the professors from the Family Ministry Academy and the Dean of Students Michelle Anthony.  Two different times during this seminary other people brought up this same idea.  During one of the classes we were given a picture and told to simply look at it and see where God takes us.  God took me to a quiet place all alone with just him on a bench near a lake.  Then after that, one evening we had session of prayer stations where we could just be with God in different ways. During on of the stations you went behind curtain into a room with a cross.  When I sat down God instantly joined me a “took me somewhere”, again.

 “I walked into a room that was considered Holy.  I was alone.  Just me and a cross.  I sat quietly.  Took a deep breath and waited.  Then Jesus came in from behind the cross.  He came right to me and cupped His hands around my face and said, Love Me first, Love the ones I gave you next, then serve My church.  I will take care of it all if you do it in this order.”

I sat in this space, in the presence of my savior for awhile longer.  I felt peace.  I felt love.  I felt wanted.  I knew I had just had an encounter with Jesus.  This was a practice that I knew would be hard for me at home but I desperately wanted to keep it up.  I wanted to simply close my eyes and let Jesus take me somewhere.  I knew going home back to “real life” would make this difficult.  But I take moments, if I’m lucky I get minutes to be still and be with God.  Letting him taking me somewhere to teach me something, or to to just be with him.  It’s an incredible few moments.

When I look back on my time walking through infertility, I think about how precious these moments would have been.  How much I needed a moment like that.  If I could have pulled myself away from the grief long enough to just be with Jesus, would I be able to forget for just awhile that I was infertile?  Would for just a moment I feel whole again, complete.  Because the reality is we are whole in Jesus.  Whether we can become pregnant or not, we are whole in Jesus.  Whether we can sustain a pregnancy or not, we are whole in Jesus.  When our adoption process seems to be falling apart, we are whole in Jesus.  When you feel like you have lost all hope, YOU ARE WHOLE IN JESUS!

On day 6, when God created the world and everything in it, He created man.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them…….God saw all that he made, and it was very good.”  Genesis 1:27 & 31

You are very good.  You were created in God’s image.  You whole in Jesus!

Today no matter where you are in your journey, take some time to stop, close your eyes and let Jesus take you somewhere.  So for just a moment you can see how perfect you are in Jesus.  Take a few minutes to step away from a world that constantly reminds us how imperfect we are and know that you are perfect and you are whole in Jesus.

Love Letter from God

If you have ever wanted to see a letter from God to you this song is it!

Wanted

Danny Gokey

I was there the moment that it happened
But you couldn’t see me through the pain
I caught every tear as they were falling
When you lost your heart that day
Yeah, you lost your heart that day

Now you only see through broken lenses
Trying to keep your head above the shame
You believe the lie that I am distant
But I hold you every day
Yeah, I hold you every day

If you could see it through my eyes
You’d know that you are wanted
You’d know that you are wanted
And if you’d let my love inside
I’ll show you that you’re wanted
I’ll show you that you’re wanted

You’re more than all your darkest moments
You are defined by what I see
You’re my reflection, you’re my treasure, you’re my heartbeat
Oh, child, you belong to me, ohh

‘Cause if you would see it through my eyes
You’d know that you are wanted
You’d know that you are wanted
And if you’d let my love inside
I’ll show you that you’re wanted
I’ll show you that you’re wanted, oh

Not rejected, not unwelcome
You’re wanted (You’re wanted)
Oh, you’re wanted (You’re wanted)
Not abandoned, not forgotten
You’re wanted
Oh, you’re wanted

I’m right here in this moment
And I’m singing over you
Yeah, I’m singing over you, oh-oh

If you could see it through my eyes
You’d know that you are wanted (You are wanted)
You’d know that you are wanted
And if you’d let my love inside
I’ll show you that you’re wanted
I’ll show you that you’re wanted

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jess Cates / Bernie Herms / DANIEL GOKEY

Wanted lyrics © XEVA MUSIC, WORKS BY PURE NOTE SONGS, BETTER THAN I FOUND IT PUBL.

https://youtu.be/XmuNMdHsUEE